I never should have left.
as soon as I leave here, I get washed away in the tide that is life.
I've gained weight. I'm now 136 lbs.
I have thighs that resemble tree trunks and a fat ass, face, belly....everything.
Its okay.
I'll just lose it all yet again...
Yoyo dieting sux....Why do i have to gain it back? Im such a gluttonous pig.
I'm gonna set my ltg at 40 lbs......
My stg is 11 lbs for a weight of 125 by Jan 20th.
my bmi is 24.9 right now OMFGGGGGGGGGGG
I must get below 20

so, today was my first day at the gym. I worked out for two hours and really enjoyed myself. I didn't realize how much i'd missed it :)
My weight is 128 today.

I can't handle these young children posting........ITS killing me....!!!!
I'm sorry kids but I KNOW THE LIFE!
Its not fun, or pretty or cute in ANY FREAKING WAY!
You children frighten me.... 

That kid infuriates me. Why didn't someone warn me 15 years ago that I would lose my mind when she hit the teens?!
I am SOOOOOO frustrated right now, I just want to cry. And, OF COURSE, she's the 'favorite' of all the family kids (being the oldest, most helpful) 
She pulled such a mean thing on saturday. She freaked on me because I wouldn't give her money for take away. She grabbed a full glass of wine I had near me and threw it in my face, all this in front of her friend Ive never even met! I told her to 'get out of my face, immediately"
She told my WHOLE family that i punched her in the face!!!!!!
I haven't even smacked her on the bottom since she was four!!!!
Of course, my family all comes to her rescue and I'm the bad guy (girl :))
I havent seen or spoken to her in two days. Although, I double checked and I know she's safely with my family..
ARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH.....i'm SOOOOO FUCKEN MAD!

So, yeah....I have been eating only healthy crap and maintaining average 1500 cals/daily for awhile now. All i've done is GAIN??!!
WTF???
I was 131.5 yesterday, I had 1100 cals yesterday and this morning I weigh 134 lbs????
I am so afraid I'm pregnant....Even too afraid to test! The implications are mind boggling. My vitamin deficiences are sooooo bad right now. 
If I'm pregnant, I will get SOOO fat  :(
 I give up on eating, I am going back to only coffee and booze. I will lose this damned 30 lbs if it KILLS me! LOL 

 I cannot believe i have not posted since august before tonite!
I have needed the support in such a BIG way, but i thought i could do it on my own!
What the hell am i gonna do if i'm pregnant? my heart meds and vitamin def. will pretty much assure a baby with some sort of congenital deformities......or something....
not to mention, i already have four kids.....!
AND....I was FINALLY accepted for correctional officer training today! WTF??!!

my B-12 is FUCKED! I haven't had a shot in 6 months (usually every 3 weeks) and my fingers and toes are COMPLETELY numb and tingly....hmmmphhh
 

Hey kids......I have been gone for WAY too long!
I am back up to 132 lbs (im 5'2") and I am feeling REALLY bad about it!
I have recently been put on cardiac meds (metoprolol) and i have to see a cardiologist because my arrythmia has gotten out of hand. Ive been in the emergency room twice in five weeks because my heart rate was over 230 bpm both times and i couldn't slow it down on my own :(
my B vitamins are all severely deficient and i'm afraid i might be pregnant as well!!!!!!!
WTF????????
I don't wanna get fat again.....but i don't wanna die of a heart attack either ( or be 'knocked up' with a messed up baby)
I'm sure i am paranoid....

I will do my best NOT to eat today. Ive had three coffees @ 70 cals each-210 cals
 I MUST get off my ass and do some exercise, at least crunches and such,if no endurance/cardio.....

i suppose i'm not having the best couple of days. I did it again last eve, I ate supper. I made homemade oregano/parmesan dinner rolls for my b/f. I was super grouchy so i went into the kitchen to bake(i find cooking/baking to be therapeutic)
 I made him left over spaghetti and meat sauce with fresh dinner rolls and decided I wanted some. I made myelf a plate with 3 cups (combined) pasta and sauce. I ate 1/2 of it along with an entire dinner roll. I looked at the food on my plate and couldn't bring myself to eat anymore. I gave the rest to him....he eats EVERYTHING!
 The prob is, I only walked 5 km yesterday and did NO home exercise :/
I also didn't take the ACV yesterday pm, its been hurting my stomach(ulcer), NOR did I take it this a.m.
I STILL haven't done ANYTHING of physical value today besides a small amount of housework. I've been sitting on my ass on the computer basically ALL day! *sigh*
 Why am I so fucking LAZY?
I figure my total intake yesterday was approx. 894 cals UNTIL I woke at 2 am and ate an entire dinner roll with margarine and 1 oz of cheese  :(
I will add another 325 cals for that sleepy mishap! OMG....1219 cals???????WTF??

well, i don't get it. I weighed myself upon rising and it read 128.5. I just don't get it?! It must be muscle gain with the crazy toning exercise and walking ive been doing. My cals are approx 1/3 to 1/2 of what i should be having. Thats not including increasing to accomodate all my cal burning exercise!
 I have lost a total of four inches off chest/ bust and hips in 8 days. It is actually VERY noticable, the difference in toning i have achieved. ESPECIALLY in my abdominal region, my 'luv handles are virtually gone and i can actually see abs through my flab! lol
 Back fats gone too, for the most part. SO then why arent the numbers going down??????
 its GOTTA be muscle weight, it just has to be. PLEASE don't let me be delusional....  :/
 

 Hey kids....whasssssuuup?!
 I am in an outrageously good mood today! I just got off the phone with 'Klinic'. They are our 24 hour clinic/ hotline for women. you know, sexual abuse, rape, unwanted/unplanned pregnancies, birth control...all that jazz. I have been applying to work there for almost two years and I have an INTERVIEW!!!! its not until august 20th...which is alright because I have another interview tomorrow at another clinic up the street. I want to work at both!  That is definitely possible, one is 24 hours and the other is opened from 7 am until 10 pm seven days a week at two locations!
IM SOOOOOO EXCITED!..................*dancing around Rufus(my 22 lb cat)*
 I'm gonna try and walk 15 km today, shouldn't be a problem :)
cya later loves....xox
 well, i actually survived it with only two small blisters! lol I did 15 km total for a calorie burn of 460 cals. I stopped in at flea whiskys (local pool hall) and had three vodkas with soda for  a total of 192 cals. when I got home, i had my icky vinegar and i HUGE banana- prob around 140 cals. I also had my one coffee this a.m., that was about 70 cals. Im about 402 for the day. I'm exhausted though! I weighed myself both before and after my walk and i weighed 2.5 lbs less after walk! lol  Obviously dehydration, i didn't bring any water.
dunno if i'll be on again today......soooooo tired.......lol

my own personal challenge....ive decided to walk/jog 100 kms in 14 days or less. I ve plotted out a 5 km route, a 7.5 km route, and a 10 km route. keep in mind, these routes are only one way.....they will all be doubled if I return home (like i have a choice) LOL
 Im gonna do the 7.5 km tomorrow (15 km) and let everyone know how it went. 
Anyone is welcome to join me if they like. if not, i shall go it alone! all the power to me!
 My intake today has been1.5 my usual coffees...100 cals, 1/2 cup steamed cabbage-25 cals, 1.5 oz light mozzarella-100 cals, 4 soda crackers with 2 tsp peanut butter-95 cals
 my total is 320 for day.
im off to bed now! 
peace gals....and few guys!   :)
 hahaha.....i'm such a loser!
 I feel into my EVERY night trap of snacking (feeling the hunger pangs). The damage was not too bad. At least i seem to have gotten into the habit of keeping my late night snacks quite healthy-ish. I have also noticed that when I snack before bed, i am not anywhere near as likely to sleepwalk/eat! weird..
 i am apparently caught in a torrid love triangle with peanut butter and cheese! lol I suspect my body is wanting some protein...funny though, i haven't been craving actual meat. I truly am carnivorous. none of this vegetarian stuff for me!
 anyhoo....im babbling again..shocking! ROFL 
oh yeah, my final monday tally was 785 cals.

What a grand idea! I would love nothing more than to know someone else in Winnipeg to hang out/exercise with and just to be there to 'understand'...
 So (obviously! lol) I'm from Winnipeg, MB. I live between Polo Park and downtown. Anyone else in Winnipeg?????????

after my sheer frustration of remaining at basically the same weight all weekend, i'm finally back down to 128.5. I still don't quite understand this, considering i was at 127.5 on saturday early a.m.
 by saturday eve i think i was back up to 133! Could have been all the vodka, i suppose! lol
 I know some was water weight, but i'm still retaining, rings still tight!? WTF???
 Anyhoo.....I won't stress about it, i'll just remain positive! :)
my total cal intake yesterday was 635 cals. I had eaten only 30 cals up until 10:30 pm. I have SUCH a hard time with the whole late night snacking thing! You know, when all the yummy, greasy take out food commercials come on t.v?! LOL I ended up having a small orange - 45 cals  and 22 soda crackers with cheddar cheese - 530 cals (OMG) how can something so seemingly insignificant be soooo many cals?! Oh yeah, I also had a bite of the sheppards pie i made my b/f for dinner-30 cals?
 Does anyone have any ideas on how to make that damned vinegar go down easier? I GAGGGG everytime i swallow it mixed with water or iced tea.....

what a day i've had! not bad or anything, i'm just a little tired. My b/f wanted me to walk to the store to buy some hair conditioner, he's ridiculously lazy on weekends and won't even leave the bedroom! lol
 He expected me to go to the store a block away, but i decided to motivate myself into an Eight km walk! lol
 I went on-line to this really cool local site about walk/jog/run in my city. it helps you to plot your exact route, how many km's/miles/ how fast your pace is/ and it even tells you how many cals youve burned! what a GREAT site!
 Anyhooooo....ive walked 8 km at 6 km/h, burned 237 doing that, and so far ive had no caloric intake today.
 can someone give me the low-down on this whole apple cider vinegar thing? My curiousity is now piqued and I picked up a bottle while I was out. How much do I take????

so i had a pretty shitty night last eve.....
I was bored to death and couldn't sleep so i decided to read. For some reason, laying in bed reading when the house is all quiet and everyone is asleep, is a trigger for me to snack! I suspect its because I feel relaxed and no ones watching me, yeah know?
 So , heres the damage....two pickles and four small pieces of celery in evening -20 cals
                                               bite of rays burger (chew/spit)                                              -20? 
                                               a piece of bread with ketchup and dijon on it :)               -100
                                               4 c of chicken broth with itty bitty noodles (pkg kind)    -180
                                               two slices of bread with Wee bit of margarine dipped in
                                                 warmed tomato sauce                                                            -200
                                               10 soda crackers with about n ounce of cheddar             -200
 
 This all took place roughly between midnight and 4:30 am. I feel like such a pig. I decided to be realistic about it and tell myself that it'll only boost my metabolism...right?!
 Wow, though........720 cals....seems like such a HUGE number!
 
 So far today, ive had nothing but water. I weigh 4 lbs heavier than i did yesterday?! WTF?
 I could barely take my ring off this a.m. i am retaining a great deal of fluid for some reason?! My rings ALWAYS loose. i can almost put it on my middle finger!
 
 Ive done a little more research into this whole cider vinegar thing and I must concur everyone. Apparentely I was misinformed! At the hospital i used to work at, a bunch of the staff went on this apple cider vinegar thing(pills, though) for weight loss. out of ,like, 12 of them, EVERYONE was bruising ridulously in a short time. One of the doctors said the acetic acid was causing it because all of them were on same pills and all had same symptoms!
 There is a distinct possibilty he's just an idiot! lol
 Maybe its cuz it was pills instead of liquid? Or maybe there was something added to the ACV pills besides ACV?!

 its 11:13 pm and i have had one pickle and one 1/2 stick of celery....im at around 10 cals so far today.
I also drank about 1/4 cup of water with  2 tsp of salt (my own personal natural laxative) and TOTALLY cleared myself out! its great, it works in about 10 to 30 minutes and does not cause cramping!
 Ive finally sobered up after my vodka binge! LOL
 Im at 127 today. 8.5 lbs down since july 31st....you GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GIRL! lol

kk....so im posting AGAIN today! lol
I really havent much to say other than i still have not eaten anything! :)
i still weigh 127.....but it sure the hell beats the 136.5 from tuesday! LOL

kk....so its 1:20 pm here....so far i have had ZERO cals besides my vodka! LOL
'hair of the dog' so they say........
hmmmmpppphhhh.......i think ive had about 6 ounces already! it only makes me want MORE!!!
i suspect that i should knock myself out with a sleeping pill......
my b/f is wanting me to make him some 'sheppards pie' for supper.......hmmmmphhhhh (temptation)